the silence-

the silence-

i hear it echo through

and come back to me

silence is so loud,

silence is so heavy.

i never used to notice,

it was just the background

for our play-

tiny steps,

sometimes soft and slow

and others,

thundering down the

stairs and over chairs

and always hairs

and with the silence

comes the emptiness-

my arms ache with it,

my heart bleeds with it.

no soft, warm bundle to hold close,

no bright eyes to gaze

into mine,

no perky, chirpy sounds to

answer me back.

no anxious face at the

window

waiting

just for me.

no scolding if i’m late,

or cold-shouldered disdain

until she’s been fed,

pacing, pacing

until she’s been fed.

my pillow under my head

my blanket pulled up over

i hide-

from the silence

the silence was different then,

my cat curled at my side.

jee6.2017

In memory

of

Violet AKA Buggy

The Blue Cat

May 2000 – March 2017

trust issues

trust issues

my own reservation

was it seen as a slight hesitation?

just a minor doubt-

before i put my hand out.

would it be felt in my shrinking flesh?

did it matter?

if it were known?

that reservation of mine.

didn’t i have the right?

so what, if it was seen as a hesitation,

maybe more than a minor doubt,

it was my reservation

and i would keep it

until proven.

jee1.2018

Conversation

Conversation

a talk,

typically informal,

between two or more people,

in which feelings,

thoughts,

or

ideas

are exchanged.

do mumbles and sounds such as

“hmmm”,

“nah”,

or

“huh”

qualify,

as feelings? thoughts? ideas?

perhaps,

“pass the salt”

comes closer,

as it actually contains words.

i’m looking back

trying to recall

what our last conversation was about-

when our last conversation was-

i can’t recall

an exchange of words

with any meaning

deeper

or

more complex

than how much gas is in the car-

than whether or not we need toilet paper-

i hope our conversational content

won’t define us

as a couple-

as people-

we sound more

like computerized texting

than a couple-

than lovers-

jee1.2018

almost

almost

just not quite, but almost-

always falling short,

not quite measuring up,

almost

not quite sweet enough,

but almost

not quite tall enough,

but almost

not quite smart enough,

but almost

not quite good enough,

is not good enough at all-

always falling short

never being chosen

never being a part of

of almost grabbing that golden ring

that’s almost within reach

reaching for something that’s almost

within your grasp, almost

within your mind, almost

within your soul, almost

more than you can dream,

almost

more

than

you can hope.

jee12.2017

**laugh, laugh**

**laugh, laugh**

…but all he had were…

and you stop. nothing.

there is no word there.

it’s not on your tongue,

not on the tip or

hiding underneath,

and you haven’t swallowed it.

it never came out of your head.

you look at your sister as if it might be

on her face

no, it’s not there, stupid woman

it’s still in your head!

look there!

and you do

but it’s not

there, that is.

your head is blank

it’s like a black balloon on the inside,

just some air and black

and expanding

but you need that word.

now!

right now!

where is it?

what is it?

forks? pictures? apples?

no… no… no…

your hands are fisted

and you can feel

how red your face is getting

you cast your eyes

here and there

hither and yon

and shake your hands

loosely

the word is right there!

WHERE?!
THERE!

NO!

WHAT. IS. THE. WORD?

and the black balloon of your mind

expands

more and more

until you feel that it must be

as big as the universe

and as empty

as your Ben & Jerry’s ice cream container

at the end of the movie

you KNOW the word.

you DO.

WHAT is it?

your sister starts to prompt, now

apples? bananas?

pineapples? kiwis?

no…

no, no…

uhm… cherries?

no… o

oh! oh!

oranges!

but all he had were oranges and I wanted lemons, so I

didn’t buy anything.

**laugh, laugh**

jee6/2017